Monday, July 27, 2009

The Ice Queen

Meet Buddy Lee. He is our Boxer mix and my baby who can do no wrong. Every summer Buddy Lee gets his Summer Buzz (at least one of us gets to have a buzz right now) where we take him to get shaved so he sheds less and doesn't get so hot in this god awful summer heat. About a month ago I noticed that Buddy Lee is shaking during the day and night, and of course being the optimistic person that I am, I automatically conclude that he has a terminal life-threatening neurological disease and has 6 months to live (I know, motherhood is going to be a doozy for me, huh?) So I call the vet, tell them that he is shaking and give him my assessment of the neurological auto-immune disease that I have diagnosed him with, and expect him to concur. He tells me to bring him in for a closer look. So I give Buddy Lee a silent final fairwell and hold back my tears as we walk the Green Mile to the Vet's office, I can see the sadness and fear in Buddy's eyes as I tell him what a good dog he has been and how much we have loved him. We get inside the office and I brace myself (and Buddy Lee) as we receive the dreaded diagnosis from the Doctor: Hypothermia (ok, maybe I am paraphrasing- i.e. exaggerating). Wait. What?

As it turns out, I have literally been freezing my dog to death in the MIDDLE OF SUMMER. The Vet gives me and my belly a smirk while he gives me the prescription of "not keeping my house the temperature of a meat locker, then maybe he will stop shaking- from being so cold." Smartass. Buddy Lee then gives me an exasperated look as if to say, "Listen you crazy white lady. It's friggin' cold in that walk-in freezer you call a house, take a hint and give a dog a blanket!"

Well played, Buddy Lee, well played.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Me Want Cookies

It is official. I am a fatass. How do I know this, you ask? My doctor told me so. Ok, not in so many words but I went to the doctor yesterday for my check up and I have gained 8 pounds (8 pounds!!!) in 3 weeks. That, America, is almost 1/2 a pound a day which translates into a whole hell of alot of simple sugars- medically speaking. So my doctor who apparently doesn't practice tactfulness asks me, "Girl, what on earth have you been eating?!" I keep my head down, suddenly taking great interest in counting the specks on the floor and quietly answer, "Cookies."
"Like everyday??" She drills me like the cookie monster that I have become. "Uh, yeah. Sometimes 2 times a day."

That's right America. My name is Mandi, and I have a Cookie problem. I have tried to stop but I am too far gone into the dark depths of deliciousness that only the Cookie can bring. And it has cost me- 8 pounds to be exact.

So Dr. Discretion sent me home equipped with the unsolicited advise of "How 'bout laying off those Cookies?" along with the order to drink more water and eat more greens. But sadly we both know that in the epic battle of Mandi vs. The Cookie, The Cookie will come out victorious. And my thighs, in all their dimpled glory, will suffer the consequences.

Monday, July 6, 2009

The Orginal Bachelorette

I had the pleasure of doing something that everyone should do once in their lives... I watched "The Bachelorette" with my 80-year-old grandmother Genieva. After dining on an eclectic dinner variety featuring Genieva's homemade Meatball Stew, a baked potato, pimento cheese and crackers, sliced tomatoes, cucumbers, and oh yeah, Sour Cream and Onion Pringles, we made our way into the living room where she wanted to watch the Bachelorette. And who am I to deny her of this request? So I am here now to share the wise commentary of the Original Bachelorette while watching ABC's version:

Wes (Bachelor #1 a.k.a. douche bag) speaking to Jillian: Jillian I don't want to go back to the past, I am over that, I just want to move forward now....

Mamaw (a.k.a. O.B. while knitting in her chair): Yeah, move forward right into her pants!

Me: Gasp! (blushing)

(20 minutes later, in a scene where Jillian comes face to face with returned Bachelor #4, Ed)

Jillian: I am so glad that Ed came back. I don't know what it is about him, but I get butterflies every time he walks into the room.

Mamaw (still knitting): She must be hard up if she gets butterflies when she looks at him.

Me: Mamaw you are a Dirty Bird!

Mamaw (O.B.): Yeah well you hang around me long enough and you might learn a thing or two.

Genieva: The Original Bachelorette herself