Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Captain Clueless

There are things that every man should know; like your anniversary date, your cholesterol level, and what you should never, under any circumstance, say to a woman. I would like to take the opportunity right now to address the latter.

If you have been reading this blog then you know by now that a.) I am pregnant, b.) I have gained substantial weight, and c.) I have a husband who I affectionately refer to as "Captain Clueless". Since rolling into my third trimester (figuratively and literally) I haven't been feeling very confident and needed some reassurance. So yesterday when my husband, the Captain, came in from grocery shopping and was standing at the sink hammering open a coconut... wait a minute. Let's pull over and park right here for a second. Yes, you heard right, he was hammering open a coconut at the kitchen sink. A coconut that he actually picked up at Publix, probably hesitated for a moment before simply thinking 'Mmmm... Coconuts', and then putting it into the cart. It was actually too ridiculous of a scene to even make fun of, but of course that didn't stop me.

Anyway, like I said, I am feeling down and out and needed some reassurance so I ask, "Do you find me attractive anymore... like this?" (pointing at my protruding belly)

He looks up from the coconut and pauses... then looks down, then up at me and pauses again. I can see the wheels frantically turning in his head as he says, "Well I always find you attractive," pause, thinking, nervous laugh, pause. "But I don't necessarily see you as a sexual object right now."

Gentlemen, please take note and learn from Ashley's newfound life lesson #1,332: Never ever, under any circumstance, say this to a woman. I don't care if you would rather have sex with Hatchett Face or Janet Reno and you feel like you are in the 'safe zone' or the 'circle of truth' when she tells you, "It's ok honey, you can be honest with me." Proceed with caution as this actually means "I dare you to say no, you asshat."
This advice can also be applied to the questions, "Do I look like I have gained weight?" "Do you think she is prettier than me?" And of course the old standby, "Does my butt look big?"

So boys, consider yourself warned.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Skinny Bitches

I recently went on Vacation to the beach with some family and friends. I wanted to go before I got too big and could have been mistaken for Shamoo the Whale and tranquilized right there on the beach. So on the trip down there I learned Mandi's life lesson #1486: Never travel more than 7 hours with two anorexic bitches while you are pregnant. Enter Dana and Holly- the skinny bitches- Dana goes DAYS between meals and Holly likes to run 13 miles and lift heavy objects for fun. The three of us leave Nashville around 3pm and head down to Orange Beach to meet up with our parents (about a 7 hour trip). I notice about 3 hours into the trip we haven't stopped, nor have I heard any mention of it. Even though I am getting hungry, I haven't said anything up to this point for fear of the glares I would receive from the front seat. So I am quietly sitting in the backseat looking for leftover crumbs between the seats and hoping that one of them might pipe in any minute and say that they are getting hungry... and then I hear this:

Dana (to Holly): Hey, there is an exit up ahead, you think I need to go ahead and get gas?

Holly: Yeah, that would be good. Then we won't have to stop the rest of the way, we can just drive straight through and get there about 10pm.

Dana: Sounds good to me. (They both give each other a satisfied look)

Me (or my hormones): Wait a minute, you two anorexic skanks. I realize that y'all can split a peanut and call it dinner for the night, but Mama needs to eat! So I am choosing to play the preggo card right about now and demanding that we pull into that local burger joint right up there and get something in my stomach STAT!

Holly and Dana: (with fearful looks in their eyes) Whatever you say, Mama. Whatever you say.

Mama: 1
Skinny Bitches: 0

Oh it is good to be me.

Monday, June 1, 2009

And Now... A Message From My Hormones.

Attention Horny Teenagers:

We all get it. You are young, free, and in L.U.V. But here's a newsflash, no one wants to see you rubbing your honey's back, caressing their hair, or exploring the inside of each other's mouths while in LINE AT SUBWAY getting lunch. Guess what? We are all there to eat as well, and we actually want to keep our lunch down so let's keep the lovin' to ourselves when it's appropriate- like in the backseat of your car at the riverbanks or in your bedroom when your parents think you are crashing for midterm exams. And a word to the wise boys and girls, these same hormones that are making you feel each other up in public places while making the rest of us sick? These, girls, are the same hormones that will lovingly take over your body like aliens when you are pregnant causing you to scream and throw foreign objects at this same boy that you not so long ago were ripping the clothes off of. And then crying profusely afterwards while burying yourself into a tub of Bryers French Chocolate with a side of Vinegar Chips. And boys, these exact hormones will blame you for causing everything in the first place, making you want to end your life, or hers. So go ahead Young Ones, enjoy your blissful ignorance, but how 'bout sparing the rest of us whose raging love hormones have since mutated into cynical pessimism that is actually responsible for this very message.