Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Captain Clueless

There are things that every man should know; like your anniversary date, your cholesterol level, and what you should never, under any circumstance, say to a woman. I would like to take the opportunity right now to address the latter.

If you have been reading this blog then you know by now that a.) I am pregnant, b.) I have gained substantial weight, and c.) I have a husband who I affectionately refer to as "Captain Clueless". Since rolling into my third trimester (figuratively and literally) I haven't been feeling very confident and needed some reassurance. So yesterday when my husband, the Captain, came in from grocery shopping and was standing at the sink hammering open a coconut... wait a minute. Let's pull over and park right here for a second. Yes, you heard right, he was hammering open a coconut at the kitchen sink. A coconut that he actually picked up at Publix, probably hesitated for a moment before simply thinking 'Mmmm... Coconuts', and then putting it into the cart. It was actually too ridiculous of a scene to even make fun of, but of course that didn't stop me.

Anyway, like I said, I am feeling down and out and needed some reassurance so I ask, "Do you find me attractive anymore... like this?" (pointing at my protruding belly)

He looks up from the coconut and pauses... then looks down, then up at me and pauses again. I can see the wheels frantically turning in his head as he says, "Well I always find you attractive," pause, thinking, nervous laugh, pause. "But I don't necessarily see you as a sexual object right now."

Gentlemen, please take note and learn from Ashley's newfound life lesson #1,332: Never ever, under any circumstance, say this to a woman. I don't care if you would rather have sex with Hatchett Face or Janet Reno and you feel like you are in the 'safe zone' or the 'circle of truth' when she tells you, "It's ok honey, you can be honest with me." Proceed with caution as this actually means "I dare you to say no, you asshat."
This advice can also be applied to the questions, "Do I look like I have gained weight?" "Do you think she is prettier than me?" And of course the old standby, "Does my butt look big?"

So boys, consider yourself warned.