Monday, June 1, 2009

And Now... A Message From My Hormones.

Attention Horny Teenagers:

We all get it. You are young, free, and in L.U.V. But here's a newsflash, no one wants to see you rubbing your honey's back, caressing their hair, or exploring the inside of each other's mouths while in LINE AT SUBWAY getting lunch. Guess what? We are all there to eat as well, and we actually want to keep our lunch down so let's keep the lovin' to ourselves when it's appropriate- like in the backseat of your car at the riverbanks or in your bedroom when your parents think you are crashing for midterm exams. And a word to the wise boys and girls, these same hormones that are making you feel each other up in public places while making the rest of us sick? These, girls, are the same hormones that will lovingly take over your body like aliens when you are pregnant causing you to scream and throw foreign objects at this same boy that you not so long ago were ripping the clothes off of. And then crying profusely afterwards while burying yourself into a tub of Bryers French Chocolate with a side of Vinegar Chips. And boys, these exact hormones will blame you for causing everything in the first place, making you want to end your life, or hers. So go ahead Young Ones, enjoy your blissful ignorance, but how 'bout sparing the rest of us whose raging love hormones have since mutated into cynical pessimism that is actually responsible for this very message.